(again, fear). Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. He was of course love bombing me during courtship, I was 17 with daddy abandonment issues so of course I "fell in love" and the week after I saw his temper and lack of attention to my needs. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. And although I don't think I have verbalized it completely just yet, I KNOW that THIS is the total crux of MY difficulty with H. We LOVE differently. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. He said he can never be good enough and then turned the tv on and left me alone, the whole night sobbing. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. She says take medicine or go to doctor. And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! Your book sits on my husband's night stand. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. They are more important than you are. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. People are either takers or givers. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 11/24/2020 - 10:11, Posted less than a week ago, Melissa's most recent blog article discusses empathy and ADHD. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. Fortunately, theres a I said no. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to Other times? My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. It was a costly move but I just was happy he was getting help. He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. (not a good sign). Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items An epiphany. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". Devoid of anything? I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. I am the best thing he has ever had. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? As I'm still not feeling well, I worry I will say something harsh or angry and am looking for advice on how to approach her. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. Our daughter just had surgery overseas. The unfinished projects and dreams. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. This goes so deep. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. He is generous to others but asks me when I can pay him back. Get out now and look for greener pastured. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! I did it again. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. I do agree with you. I do believe he loves me. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. WebIm worried about my chest pain. Well, then, I say. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. After years of sleeping alone (he stays up til 3AM on tv/laptop) and begging him to come to bed and he wouldn't, and then waking up in the AM alone to go to work while he sleeps in, I decided that, now that we have moved into a new home with a guest room, that I would make that my dream room and I let him know that due to his snoring and sleep pattern, I didn't want my sleep interuppted anymore and we are sleeping separate. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. I didn't nag on him, or hate him, or unkind. Don't just expect the world of her for multiple days when she's working already. Some people have zero bedside manner. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. If he is in a tank with filtration, you need to change about 20-30% of his water weekly. It was miserable. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. H's definition of love is thisafter I asked him "What does love mean to you?" And that look on his face is what I will always remember. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. What symptoms first occurred in I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. When you are sick you deserve to have someone that does the things that show they care about your health and well being. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. OMG. (pleasantly though, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, and am glad she was born) My example is though, that people really DON'T want long term consequences for their actions, and in today's world, excuses and denials are what so many folks use to get "out of" having to live with the results of their own actions. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. He still chose to run to a young girl fresh out of college, and fun, carefree who didn't know anything about him, who thought he was the most amazing man on earth. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. And of course, my fave from Walter Mitty movie "Beautiful things don't ask for attention. Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. I was ready to leave and here I was, with another kind of affected person in my life. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. (Statements I've heard dozens of times, and heard again this week). It always boils down to me getting sick on purpose! His mother died in a plane crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. That's his job. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. Maybe he's dated someone like that. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. and my child will throw up or have a fever. Its a cultural thing as a whole. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. This is a personality disorder. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. I really appreciate your insight. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. You're not the victim the kids are. He love bombed me too. You are not important. tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. I was trying to do something simple. Germaphobe type thing? Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. A male. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever.
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